Enter Nut, stage left

My husband Norman is one of the most amazingly diverse people I have ever met. I have watched him discuss and debate the American Labor Union and its place in American history; and why Scooby Doo was the greatest cartoon at the same dinner party. He knows so much about everything its like living with a perennial "Jeopardy" contestant. That's why its so amazing that same man can be about as sharp as a bowling ball sometimes.
Case in point, a few nights ago I was looking for anything on TV not "reality based" (I swear I’d love to run over "Americans Top Model" with an "American Chopper" and see if they could still "Swan" her up.); when I came upon QVC. They were peddling a very nice bracelet that my mother had mentioned seeing previously and regretted not buying. So being the kind, thoughtful daughter I am I bought it for her. My husband noticed and added that he thought it was a very nice thing to do, and went back scouting the fridge for anything that he believed should be eaten cold in a standing position over the sink. We later went to bed as usual.
I woke up about 3, in truth I was summoned awake by Max, the baby. He you see is in the habit of sending out a bloodcurdling scream at about 3 nightly for milk. I have seen that boy run, fall flat on his face and get little more than a grunt. But the moment that boy is hungry its like he is having a limb cut off. He enjoys drinking the milk cold, in a standing position (The distance between nuts and oak in the family is rather short). I went downstairs to get a bottle to appease the beast child when what to my wondering eyes do I see? My husband fully engrossed in QVC phone in hand.
Was he buying his previously thoughtful wife a gift? No. Was he buying a muzzle for his demon spawn? No. He was about to buy what looked to be 793 cards of someone named Lebron James for $300.00. The bizarre little man on TV was making it sound like having these 793 cards was an investment tantamount to having as many shares of Microsoft. "What are you about to do?” I asked in that "You're about to do something stupid, aren't you?" tone.
"I'm buying cards.” in his "Geez, you don't know anything!" voice.
I watched while the creepy little man described this Lebron James person as the second coming of Michael Jordan (Yes, I know who he is). In my mind I could care less if he was the second coming of Michael Jackson, Michael Moore, Michael Corleone; for 300 bucks he should be the first coming of Michael Jesus. I then noticed that they were going to commercial and next up was a deal on 25 hand rolled swords. You heard me right, swords.
I know there were 3 musketeers, and 16 Knights of the Round Table, and 1 Zorro; so even if all those guys got into a fight you still would not need 25 swords. But the look in the eyes on my suburban, 35 year old, mildly overweight, father of 2 with bad knees was "THAT'S JUST WHAT MY MEN AND I NEED TO STORM THE BASTILLE!!!
I knew I would have to work fast or soon the police blotter would include a man finely sliced by what seemed to be 25 different knives and buried under a pile of bloody Lebron James cards. So I ran upstairs grabbed the baby and dropped him squarely in my husbands lap. As I sank back into bed I must admit I did feel a ting of guilt. I should have given them a blanket, since I know they are now standing in front of the fridge eating.

Don't feed the Animals

I should preface anything I ever write here in reference to my husband and children, that I love them with all my heart. The are the lights of my life and I can't begin to imagine life without them. That being said, the very next thing that should be duly noted is that my 2 sons and husbands may very well be the dumbest group of savages yet undiscovered by modern paleontologist. A million years from now I am sure school children will be walking through a natural history museum and come across "Homo Ignoramus" and they will "OOH" and "AHH" the 3 of them in their natural from; hunched over a dinner table shoveling food into their mouths as fast as humanly possible.
Dinner time in my home can only be compared to dinner at a maximum security penitentiary on pudding day. They position themselves over the plates, left arm securing the meal and and scooping food with the right. They occasionally skim the table with their eyes to make sure no one is plotting on the last biscuit. Last week my older son and my husband both reached for the last burger, I actually gasped to myself in fear there was about to be a fork stabbing. I being the warden/cook/mother/wife/zookeeper had them split it so as to avoid putting on my riot gear.

What do kids, dogs and presidents all have in common?

They are all driving me mad.

I told my son to draw ONLY at his desk or at the kitchen table. Its not that I don't think it is cute and cozy to have him bent over his masterpiece on the livingroom rug like he is a sidewalk chalk arist, its just that when he's done, rays of marker extend out of the very clean rectangular spot where a piece of paper once was ON MY RUG! So this morning, after telling him just yesterday not to draw on the rug, I found.......marker rays! Fucker!

The dog will not Shit unless she is walked a distance. I guess the actual act of walking gets her bottom systems moving. Anyway that means that when it is really cold out or I am really underdressed and can't walk down my street....I take her to the back garden and say over and over again 'Sandy, do poopies do peepees' like an ass while she paces back and forth on her leash nine thousand times to get enough walk in her to produce the above mentioned acts. This whole process takes like, 20 minutes....clearly enough time for me to have just thrown on the jeans and take her down the block......but I don't want to.....I just want a dog that will SHIT! Fucker!

My favorite quote from the first presidential debate?

Dubya: "Its hard to be president"...........FUCKER!

Sunflower cake. 

Max's first birthday cupcake! 

Max licking last bits of cupcakey goodness off of the plate!

YUMMY! 

Jack....future movie star! 

Norman and I at the baseball game...it was our anniversary and Norman smuggled in champagne to suprise me! 

Norman, Heidi and Jack at the baseball game. 

I took this while we were on a boat up the hudson river! This was one of the ONLY shots the whole day where Jack was not sticking his tonge out and making rabbit ears with his fingers! 

I love this picture of Jack! He just told a 'why did the chicken' cross the road joke! We were at a chicken farm and a chicken really did cross the road! 

Beaver, Ward get out your flannels, we're goin' apple pickin!

This weekend brings us hopes of school fairs where I will be running the basketball booth and baking for the bake sale AND apple picking and pie making at my friend Kelly's house upstate! I am just warm and fuzzy!

Martha is going to jail by the end of next week and I have to say, I disagree with her incarceration.

I joined Curves.

PTA-Hole

I went to a PTA meeting. I have to say that rich, suburban women who could probably use a good fuckin' can be some angry bitches! The subject that got really heated was over...........................peanut butter. Now my kids don't have any allergies so this is really a non issue for me. The principal sent home a notice asking us to not send in peanut products for lunch as some kids are so allergic that even being near peanuts could cause them to have a possible life threatening reaction. So you would think that every parent would say....'Okay, that sucks as pb&j is like a HUGE staple in my kids lunchbox but to avoid death I will opt for the turkey' RIGHT? WRONG! Most parents were either all for it or at the very least willing to go along with it on the grounds of the whole 'what if it were my kid' principle. SOME PEOPLE LOST THEIR FUCKIN MINDS! One parent claimed that PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WAS THE ONLY THING HER CHILD ATE! One mother said that if there were no children in her child's class with a sever allergy she wasn't going to stop sending in the peanut butter. One mother asked the mother of one of the allergy kids what she planned to do when the child goes off to college...ask all of the kids in the dorm to leave the peanut butter home? COME ON! GET OVER IT....Your kid will eat turkey or ham or tuna or cheese...and here is a thought....get a thermos and send your child in with spaghetti or macaroni and cheese. Let it go already.....get a life!

That Girl............

Sometimes you say something to your husband because you really want him to take you into his arms and kiss the top of your head and tell you he loves you.......that rarely works and usually backfires into him saying something like...'Her name is Sandra' ASS!

100 things.....

So this seems to be the 'breaking of the ice' in the blog world.

1. I am 28
2. I live with my husband and our 2 sons.
3. We have a dog.
4. She is dumb like a box of rocks but otherwise a really good dog.
5. We say that she is dumb because she is a purebred which stands for inbred.
6. I am on the PTA.
7. Once while my husband and I were fucking he accidentally hit the phone with his foot and called one of the PTA moms who's number was on the Caller ID.
8. I have LOVED my Caller ID every moment we have had it except that one.
9. While we were fucking and the phone was connected we left a message on her answering machine.....she may have heard any number of things including me professing my love of certain hard big objects in our bedroom but not the bedpost or ironing board if that is what you are thinking.
10. I always wonder why she is looking at me now.
11. I love my TIVO.
12. I love Sushi.
13. I love to cook and went to cooking school.
14. I stay at home now and don't cook nearly as much as I thought I would.
15. I like to say my kids are to blame.
16. That probably isn't true.
17 . I am an awful speller and if this whole blog thing doesn't pan out it was because I hated having to spell check so god damn often.
18. I didn't realize I am a cat person until I got a dog.
19. I hate when people use the word 'pop' as in "the white trim really made the window 'POP'.
20. I HATE gum and wet paper.
21. I try not to let my hatred of gum spill out when my 8 yr. old son asks for gum.
22. I really love my husband.
23. I love the Holidays.
24. I don't trust a women who can't use the word 'fuck' or 'pussy' in a sentence.
25. I keep the same friends forever and I love them.
26. One of my closest deepest friends is Jacki. I wish I started lying years ago and told people she is my sister because now it is too late and no one would believe us.
27. I am almost an only child.
28. I always knew I wanted to have more than one kid.
29. I have 2 and that will be it.
30. My husband got fixed it insure that we won't have any more.
31. I fear that somehow his Vas deferens will fuse back together and some super sperm will get through.
32. Its not the baby that would freak me out IT IS BEING PREGNANT.
33. I do not like to be pregnant.
34. Our house was built in the 1700's. It is old and charming and wonderful on a good day and drafty and expensive to fix on a bad day.
35. I drive a minivan.
36. I said I would never drive a minivan.
37. I love my minivan.
38. I hate to fly.
39.I collect 'Homies' .
40. I like to read.
41. I like to play the Sims.
42. I like to knit and wish I could knit this. So far I have only knit scarves because I can only knit or purl straight up.
43. I love Paul Simon and saw his free concert in Central Park.
44. I wish I learned to make donuts from my grandmother who made donuts everyday at home!
45.The more people I met, the cooler I think I am.
46. I married my husband because he makes me laugh and he makes me feel safe.
47. He turned out to be THE. BEST. FATHER. EVER.
48. He hates his job and sometimes I feel guilty that I stay home.
49. Most of the time I live in my fantasy world where I will someday make lots of money so he can quit.
50. When the kids grow up and move out, we want to buy an RV and travel EVERYWHERE we can go without flying of course. See #38.
51. I wish I could get my act together to be one of those women who is really good at scrapbooking.
52. I love a garden but I do like to garden.
53. I have driven a backhoe.
54. I once called my Dr. a terrorist. To his face. I have a new Dr. now.
55. I really hated that Dr.
56. I am a Cleveland Browns fan.
57. They suck.
58. This is the first year I actually started shopping for Christmas in September when I said I would.
59. I make a mean apple pie.
60. I wish I had more patience with my older son who is SO much like me he drives me crazy.
61. When he is not driving me crazy he is the COOLEST 8 yr. old ever!
62. He likes his first girl and he had me pack an extra fruit roll up in his lunch so he could give her one.
63. He and I love Harry Potter.
64. My kids are 7 yrs. apart.
65. Another of my closest friends is Daisy and your can read about her kick assness here.
66. For the first time ever I have found an exercise program I can stick with and like....It is Curves and I would recommend it for all women who like me have a fear of flying off the treadmill or having to break the leg of that skinny women in the THONG workout gear at the
gym.
67. I start planning what I am making for Thanksgiving in September...crazy I know!
68. I have given the local library over $200 in fines over the years.
69. Really though, when you consider how many books we have read, movies we watched, cd's we copied and computer programs we 'borrow' from there.....its not that bad!
70. I am voting for Kerry.
71. I think that Bush is just so goddamn stupid.
72. The Dr. who delivered BOTH of my children had her license removed 2 weeks after my second son was born for showing up to the delivery room drunk with toothpaste on her face. Nice!
73. If I won the lottery I wouldn't change too much in my life except have my husband quit his job and buy A LOT MORE SHOES!
74. Lilacs are my favorite flowers.
75. Orange is my favorite color.
76. I drink white wine in the summer and red in the winter.
77. Norman and I belong to a wine of the month club just to have an excuse to drink 2 bottles of wine once a month.
78. I screen my calls.
79. My kids use the same pediatrician I used as a kid. He will make house calls and is the oldest man on earth...I love him.
80. I think we might be his only patients.
81. I secretly bought my husband tickets to see BB King for Christmas and then accidentally sent the e-mail confirmation to his e-mail not mine...whoops!
82. Now I have to get him something else.
83. I'm getting him this.
84. After living in a junk yard for years...our backyard is finally clean.
85. I love Fall.
86. I cried, fully weeped, when Julia Child died.
87. My cats name is Frankie Petunia and she KILLS every critter she see. Sometimes she brings them into the house still alive!
88. I love to play board games and cards.
89. I am a Garage Sale lover.
90. Yeast starter is one of my favorite smells.
91. I rarely finish things....but I will finish this .....later.

Splish Splash 

The Boss.....

Asleep on the job.

If you can read this........

then we are up and running. Really I would like one of those really cool blogs like this one where one really creative babe is able to actually wrap her mind around this whole computer lingo, template, HTML thing and post custom, personal mastheads that are oh so witty that I turn green with envy! Over here at fumbilybuck, we just aren't that good at the computer thing yet...but I can make a hell of a halloween costume! Really though, I am waiting for my oldest son, who is 8 and will be 'J' for my internet friends, to get to the age where it is okay for him to read my posts and create me a site. Until he can read things like 'that fuckity fuck wad' or 'at some point everyone sees some pussy' without repeating them to his teachers, I will have to go with the generic templates given to me by our friends at Blogger.